Well, actually, I e-mailed him. Here's a transcript of said e-mail:

To: yahweh@4chan.org
From: a-s-m-i-t-h@deviantart.com
Subject: Wassup?


Hey, God, I've been feeling kinda lonely lately. It seems around every corner something horrible is happening to someone who doesn't deserve it. It feels like the world could be destroyed every morning I wake up, and in all likelihood by someone worshiping one of your names. I just need some assurance that being good actually has an upside anymore. Because if not, I'd really like to be a pirate. That'd be pretty sweet.
____________________________

Who puts a sig in an email? Honestly?



Well, just imagine my surprise when I got a reply back. No wonder God hasn't been answering my prayers, the bitch got an upgrade.


To: a-s-m-i-t-h@deviantart.com
From: yahweh@myspace.com
Subject: RE: Wassup?

Hey, A-Sm-i-t-h. Thanks for the e-mail. I'm a little busy at the moment, but here's my AOL screen name: xXg0dPwNsN00bSXx. Be online Sunday at eight-ish. It's my day off, and most people have stopped trying to talk to me by then. Seriously, man, give them my e-mail address. I don't do the prayer thing anymore.


So, sure enough, I log on to AIM and there's God, under the "Deity" section of my buddy list. Here's the convo:


God (8:00:00 PM): wats up?
ASmith (8:00:00 PM): nmu?
ASmith (8:00:00 PM): holy shit
ASmith (8:00:00 PM): did time just stop?
God (8:00:00 PM): hellz yeah, motherfucker. im god, for gods sakes.
ASmith (8:00:00 PM): good point.
ASmith (8:00:00 PM): so, bout my question...
ASmith (8:00:00 PM): why do so many bad things happen to good people?
God  (8:00:00 PM): well, think of it this way
God  (8:00:00 PM): the earth to me is really more like
God  (8:00:00 PM): well
God  (8:00:00 PM): a huge ant farm.
ASmith (8:00:00 PM): ...an ant farm?
God  (8:00:00 PM): yep. and as the god of these little ants, i have only a few choices
God  (8:00:00 PM): destroy them and everything they've made
God  (8:00:00 PM): give them a helping nudge every now and again
God  (8:00:00 PM): or absolutely nothing.
ASmith (8:00:00 PM): so you can only help a little? why not just fix everything?
God  (8:00:00 PM): face it
God  (8:00:00 PM): if i did that, you little dicks would cry about life anyway
God  (8:00:00 PM): and with the crazy shit you guys manage to pull, i can barely help anymore
ASmith (8:00:00 PM): ...so, since i got you here and everything
ASmith (8:00:00 PM): are you a man or a women?
God  (8:00:00 PM): im actually a pansexual black transvestite.
ASmith (8:00:00 PM): ... a/s/l?
God  (8:00:00 PM): dont even try it
God  (8:00:00 PM): im like chris hanson if he could fucking smite you
ASmith (8:00:00 PM): anything else i should know before i go?
ASmith (8:00:00 PM): can i like not touch myself at night? preach on street corners? shit myself?
God  (8:00:00 PM): dude if you can make it through life without killing, raping, or fucking a dead guy you murdered, you'd have me impressed.
ASmith (8:00:00 PM): k.
ASmith (8:00:00 PM): ttyl, god
God  (8:00:00 PM): kk, cya.
God  (8:00:00 PM): oh i almost forgot
ASmith (8:00:00 PM): what?
God  (8:00:00 PM): you lost the game.
ASmith (8:00:00 PM): FUCK YOU, GOD
God  (8:00:00 PM): lol pwned.
God  signed off at 8:00:00 PM.